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Funny Ways The Mystery Dies In Long-Term Relationships

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long term relationships

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Maintaining the mystery in a relationship is hard. One can only do it for so long. We, as humans, are pretty gross. Come on. You know it’s true. When you have the run of your own home, you do some things that make you consider covering up the camera and microphones on your devices—just in case the government really is watching. It’s not like you’re doing anything illegal but you are, like, squirting whipped cream directly into a jar of peanut butter that you’re eating like yogurt while hanging out on the couch topless wearing a green face mask. And if you live with a partner for a long time, you eventually have to let that peanut butter guzzling, braless freak flag fly. Here are funny ways the mystery dies in long-term relationships.

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Hanging out with raccoon eyes

In the beginning, you partner saw you one of two ways: makeup either fully done, or makeup fully—cleanly—removed for that cute, fresh face. Now, you just go in the shower, rub your eyes, get those good raccoon eyes from all that smeared mascara, and walk around the apartment like that for a while before cleaning it off. You may have lunch with your man like that.


Things Your Boyfriend Wants But Won’t Ask For

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what men want in a relationship

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Even if you and your partner can tell each other just about everything, there are some things men just aren’t comfortable asking for—either because they feel it will make them seem high maintenance, it will make you upset, or it just makes them appear needy. You probably have some things like that, that you’d like to ask your partner, right? So it stands to reason that he does, too. You know that men have their precious egos to protect and sometimes wouldn’t dare to admit that they want to, for example, wear your fluffy robe with the clouds all over it because damn it’s cozy. And you know there are probably some ways they could ask you to clean up your act, but if they did, you’d have a laundry list of things they could do better, too. But, in case you were wondering, here are things your partner wants you to do but wouldn’t dare ask.

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Acknowledge his hard work

You know that he works hard and you love his ambition. But do you tell him enough? While he works hard or himself, he also works hard for you. He wants to provide for you. He wants you to be proud of him. So don’t just think, “My man works so hard”—tell him.

My Partner And I Sleep In Separate Rooms And It Saved Our Relationship

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sleeping in separate rooms marriage

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My partner and I sleep in separate rooms. When I say that, you may imagine a married couple in their fifties or older. You might envision some stuffy house—one from old money—with separate wings, and the two of us in our old-fashioned dressing gowns and slippers, shuffling around the hardwood floors, asking where the Bengay and Aspirin are. But, nope—we are a spry couple in our early thirties who sleep in separate rooms. We’ve been together just shy of seven years, and sleeping in separate rooms for half a year now. When I tell people this, I see them trying to hide their true reaction, but I see bits of it slip out: they’re worried about us. Whatever the facial equivalent of the word “Yikes” would be—that’s what I see come across their faces. My close friends just say what they’re thinking, “That’s not good for intimacy,” “It’s the beginning of the end,” and things like that. Well to them I say this: you must have the luxury of being really solid sleepers. Not us. The sound of a pin dropping wakes me. The sensation of a sheet of cotton moving across my shoulder jolts me out of sleep. The tiniest movement of the mattress and I’m shot out of my REM cycle. Sharing a bed, night after night, with another human, just wasn’t in the books for me if I wanted to remain sane and healthy (remember that sleep is pretty damn important for our health!). My partner is the same way. We stopped pretending to be blissfully happy getting no sleep every night. We moved into separate rooms. And rather than it ruining our relationship or being “The beginning of the end” as my dramatic friends put it, it’s actually benefited us in many ways.

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A more efficient sleep

When my partner and I shared a bed, it took me roughly 10 hours to get just seven hours of sleep. Because I’d be woken up so frequently by my partner adjusting, pulling on the blanket, getting up, flushing the toilet, talking in his sleep, and all the other things that would occur, I spent a lot of time just trying to go back to sleep. I wasted so much time in bed because I slept in fits and stops.

The Struggles Of Home Decorating With A Minimalist Partner

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making a home comfortable

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My partner is a minimalist, and that’s a part of what I like about him. I like that he isn’t superficial, and doesn’t need a bunch of things to feel good about himself. He’s the antidote to a society that’s buying things like, ten-inch reflective visors and shoes that light up. There’s a lot of stuff out there, and a lot of people who feel like they must purchase said stuff if they’re going to avoid a total meltdown. My partner is nothing like that. He’s endearingly old school and easy to please. He doesn’t need much to be happy.

 

What I didn’t know was that, when we moved in together, this minimalist lifestyle was going to affect me. Most specifically, it was going to affect how we decorated our home. When I met my partner, he pretty much had a bed, a desk, and a kitchen table. I just thought it was because he was busy. I thought he just needed a little guidance, and didn’t know how to decorate a home. Now I know that that was a choice and he stubbornly, vehemently believes that people don’t really need to decorate their homes. Yikes. You can imagine what I’m dealing with. I knew living together could be tough but I wasn’t expecting this.

 

 

 

So now here I am, trying to make a house a home with a man who has no idea what a crown molding or nail head trim is. He has absolutely zero interest in getting anything beyond “the essentials.” But his idea of the essentials really doesn’t cover the essentials, in my honest opinion. Every time I try to bring up home decorating or (god forbid) include him in the task, I fight an uphill battle. Everyone walks away frustrated and we still have blank walls and hideous dining chairs. Here are the struggles of home decorating with a minimalist.

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He has no vision

He has absolutely no artistic vision when it comes to a home. I’ll try to talk to him about how using certain colors can make the room look taller or the space look bigger. I try to talk about sticking to a theme, if not throughout the whole house, at least per room—each room should have a unified look. He has no idea what I’m talking about. He just wants to put the Western lamp next to the contemporary painting and get it over with.

Relationship Moments We’re Never Proud Of

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a long term relationship

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The right partner should bring out the best version of you. He should highlight all the qualities you love in yourself, and help you dampen some of those you aren’t so proud of. But, nobody can be perfect, all of the time. And though you want to be the lovely person your partner thinks you are all of the time, if you’re with someone for a long time, sometimes you’ll be the person you’re least proud to be. Proximity can breed contempt. Predictability can make us grumpy. And, when we’re in a bad mood, who do we take it out on? Our loved ones, because we know they aren’t going anywhere.

 

Yup, sometimes you’ll find yourself behaving in a way towards your partner that later makes you feel so ashamed. You swear that a young, teen you, dreaming of finding your soul mate wouldn’t believe you could talk to him like that. “You spent decades looking for this man and that’s how you treat him?!” That’s what a naïve, idealistic, teenage you would probably say. But what did she know about the realities of spending years with someone under the same roof? What did she know about going through growing pains with someone and being there with somebody through thick and thin? That won’t always have our personalities shining.

 

Though things should be mostly good in your relationship and you should speak to each other predominantly with kindness, don’t be too hard on yourself if once in a while, you aren’t your best self. I promise you that even couples who seem perfect exchange some choice words behind closed doors, and have moments they’re less than proud of. The important thing is that you apologize, and get that love flowing again. Here are relationship moments we’re never proud of.

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Being a long-term nurse

If you’re married, then you promised to be there for each other “in sickness and in health.” Even if you aren’t married, the understanding is that you take care of one another when you’re sick. But when your partner is going on day seven of the flu, you may get tired of being at his beck and call, and you may just pretend not to hear him when he asks for one more cup of tea or for someone to bring him the remote control. Or, you may just “run an errand” (go get a drink/massage) that you drag out, just to get away.

Fights You’ll Have If You Live With A Neat Freak

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guide to living with your boyfriend

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I live with a neat freak. He’s my little neat freak and I love him, but my, oh, my, is he particular about tidiness. I had to slowly train myself to be tidier for almost a year before we moved in together. I knew that if I didn’t, there was no way the relationship would survive. Living together can be hard on a couple and we didn’t need one more obstacle. And I’ll admit that I used to be quite messy. There was a lot of room for improvement. But I don’t think that anybody could possibly live up to my boyfriend’s standards for cleanliness. I’d swear, if I didn’t know somebody lived in his apartment when I first started dating him, I wouldn’t think anybody lived there. There was no sign of life. It looked like a model apartment—ready for showing to prospective renters, at any given moment.

 

I have to hand it to him for being so clean, but I do wish he’d realize that he is the one who goes against the norm, and not me. Look, I don’t let dishes sit for more than a few hours, but my rule of thumb is to do them right after eating. I do a quick pass around the apartment to put things away before bed. I make my bed nicely most mornings, and decently other mornings. I’m no slob. I don’t live with a pile of clothes permanently on a chair or floor. Most people would say that I’m a pretty tidy person! But, not my boyfriend. He’s on a whole other level.

 

You can’t really reason with a neat freak. They’re used to having things a certain way, and anything less, for them, feels like falling from Grace. I simply can’t be as tidy as he is—it’s not going to happen—and he simply can’t accept that, so we squabble. Here are fights you’ll have if you live with a neat freak.

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Tables are for things

“There are things all over the coffee table” or “There are things on the desk!” my boyfriend will say. Yes. There is a remote control and a book and some mail on the coffee table. Tables are for things. Tables are surfaces we use to put things on. I understand he doesn’t want a mess but it’s also not unreasonable to have a thing or two out on a table at any given time.

Facts You Didn’t Know About Premarital Cohabitation

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tips for living together before marriage

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Relationship trends are constantly changing as couples realize that perhaps some of the norms and rules their parents lived by don’t apply to them – or might even harm them. Research shows that in recent years, more couples live together than ever get married. That’s a total reverse of previous generations, in which more couples got married than lived together before marriage. That same research found that 69 percent of adults say it’s perfectly fine for unmarried couples to live together, even if they don’t plan on ever getting married. Those who think couples should only cohabitate before marriage if wedding bells are in their future and those who don’t think couples should ever move in pre-nuptials are in the minority. It looks like, as a country, we’re becoming a bit more liberal when it comes to relationship norms.

There are many reasons a couple may choose to move in together, of course. Saving money on rent alone is a big motivator. One company did some research on the matter and found that, in some of the most expensive cities, couples can save an average of just shy of $1,000 a month on rent by moving in together. When you think of it that way, it’s almost no wonder so many couples move in together sooner today than they used to. A grand a month is real money. It can certainly cover the therapy if the relationship doesn’t work out. Some couples move in together because they’re basically already spending every night together, so driving across town to see each other and packing a little overnight bag on a regular basis simply doesn’t make sense. But are these really good reasons to sign a lease with somebody? It’s a bigger deal than many realize. We spoke with couples’ therapist Latasha Matthews (pictured below) about some of the benefits and pitfalls of cohabitation before marriage. Matthews is about to release conversation cards that help with boundary setting (something critical to cohabitation), which can be ordered on pre-sale by emailing her at info@illuminationcc.com.

Latasha Matthews

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You can become just roommates

When you don’t yet live with your partner, it’s pretty clear when time together begins and ends. When you decide to meet up, you’re putting other obligations and distractions aside and focusing on each other. If you know your partner is coming over at, say, 6 p.m., you’ll try to wrap up any work or chores before that to give him your attention when he arrives. But when you live together, there is no real divide between domestic life and romantic life – not unless you consciously choose to create one. Matthews says, “Couples begin to take each other for granted and assume because they live together, they don’t need to plan time to date.” How real is that threat of growing apart? Well, one study found that living together before marriage increases a couple’s chances of breaking up.

Things You Learned About Your Partner In The Pandemic (Good, Bad, And Ugly)

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quarantine funnies

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Even if you were nearly attached to your partner before the pandemic, you still had some time apart. You’d go to the gym, you’d go to work, you’d go out with friends, you’d go shopping…you had some natural time away from one another. And that was a good thing. Studies have found that many couples believe time apart is more important to the health of their relationship than date nights. The pandemic has, of course, robbed us of many of our common ways to take time to ourselves. It’s not as if you were going to go to a spa or take yourself on a date to a movie theater when COVID-19 cases were soaring. If going into an office was your way to take space, that probably went away during the pandemic, too.

 

No matter how much you * thought * you knew your partner before the pandemic, sharing the same space, 24/7, might have shown you things you’d never seen before. Furthermore, the completely novel and strange circumstances of a pandemic brought out sides of all of us that we didn’t know were there. Maybe you learned you can really hustle when you have to, and rise to the challenge when times are hard. Maybe you learned you’re a hermit and didn’t miss people…like at all. While you witnessed these things in yourself, you were witnessing them in your partner, too. Here are things you may have learned about your partner during the pandemic – whether you wanted to or not.

 

How much he talks to himself

You may not have realized how much your partner spoke to himself until now. Maybe he was always someone who said his thoughts out loud. Research has found there are actually benefits to talking to oneself, particularly when it comes time to find something. So if your partner often mutters to himself when looking for his keys or a book, he’s onto something. And if he’s just practicing an argument he’ll later have with a coworker, maybe that’s helpful, too. Between being in the same space as your partner all day, and the fact that we literally do not have as many people to speak to as we did before the pandemic, you may find your partner is always gabbing with himself.


Making Your Man Feel At Home When He Moves Into Your Place

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moving in with your boyfriend

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You and your partner have decided to live together. Rather than you moving into his place or him moving into yours, you’d hoped to find a brand new place that was new to both of you. You tried apartment hunting, to find a spot suitable for a couple. But, ultimately, you realized that the smart financial decision would be for both of you to live in your place. It’s bigger, enjoys a better location, and is somehow more affordable than everything you two saw. Your idea to find a new place goes out the window, and your partner starts moving his couch through your sliding glass doors. You can still make your apartment—where you’ve lived as a single woman for a while now—feel like your and his apartment through a few changes. It is important that your partner feels like your home is now his home. Here are ways to make your man feel at home when he moves into your place.

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Make room in the closet

Clear out some drawers, donate clothes, put items in storage—you need to give your partner just about as much closet space as you have. Maybe he doesn’t need as much if he doesn’t love to shop as much as you do. But you know how many things he owns: create storage space for them.

Why Living Together Breaks Couples Up

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living with your boyfriend tips

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UPDATED: Jan. 17, 2021 —

Have you noticed how often couples break up after taking a major leap? You see couples divorced before their two-year anniversary, or breaking up during the trip to meet each other’s family. Moving in together is a huge milestone that can sometimes trigger a breakup. It’s odd because you’d think the reason these couples took these big steps—meeting the family, moving in together, getting marriedis because they felt like they were on such solid ground. So how could a breakup be so close on the heels?

You have to remember that just because a couple makes a big leap doesn’t mean they were ready. A lot of people don’t quite know what their relationship is made of and making a larger commitment to their partner only shows them the truth.

Here are 8 reasons why moving in together can kill a relationship:

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1. Cleanliness can trump the connection

If neither person has lived with a partner before—or even a roommate—then they’re used to having things their way. Having another person around can mean towels on the floor, dirty dishes that sit for days, and friends showing up that you didn’t invite. Some people get so fixated on not having things their way anymore, that they completely forget they love their partner. 

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2. A full house is better than an empty one

Sometimes a breakup is delayed for fear of wanted to be alone in a home. When you don’t live together you can make educated decisions about your future, without the influence of your partner with you.

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3. You give criticism the wrong way

Another thing that can happen when someone isn’t used to roommates is he or she can give criticism the wrong way. Giving a note about leaving laundry on the floor or putting away dishes comes out as a personal attack—way meaner than the person meant it to—because they hold in their frustration until it bursts.

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4. A dirty dish becomes personal

It’s important to realize that your partner doesn’t leave dirty dishes out, or forget to do his chores because he wants to upset you. If you can remember that the dirty dish isn’t an attack on you, then hopefully you can give a note about the dirty dishes in a neutral manner. There’s a big difference between, “Hey babe could you pick up your dishes a bit more?” and “You leave dishes everywhere—you’re such a mess; your whole life is a mess!”

Remember it’s not the note-giver who is taking things personally but the note-receiver. Some people can’t accept a little criticism about their cleanliness without feeling like it’s a personal attack.

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5. You keep score of the wrongs

Keeping score can happen within a relationship even when a couple doesn’t live together, but it gets much worse when they do. And keeping score is never good. If your partner points out that you forgot to clean this one thing, you don’t need to then list off everything he’s ever forgotten to clean.

Here’s the thing: the ultimate goal should be creating an environment where you’re both happy to live. It shouldn’t be about being right or proving the other one wrong. Nobody can really successfully keep score—it can go on forever with no results—but even if you were to keep score and find your partner the loser, what would that win you? Nothing. Bad vibes and a house that was still messy.

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6. It can be hard to claim alone time

Some couples don’t know how to claim alone time. Before living together, they weren’t comfortable saying, “I need alone time today” but they were lucky enough to just get it sometimes, because they lived separately. Now, they have to rely on their communication skills to get alone time, and they don’t have any. Eventually, they just feel like they’re smothering each other.

Couples can be so sensitive about this; worrying they’ll hurt the other one’s feelings if they want alone time. Meanwhile, they both want it, are pretending they don’t, and are suffering for nothing. If this is your reality, just ask for alone time. It won’t kill you. In fact, it’ll make you actually enjoy time together. Live in your truth and do things that make you happy.

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7. There’s added pressure

There can be this freaky moment after a couple moves in—this, “Is this my life forever now?” moment. Moving in together is a big commitment. If you wanted to back out, it would involve breaking leases, sleeping on friends’ couches until you found a new place, and possibly a lot of money. When that reality sinks in, it can create pressure for things to go well, and ultimately cause unnecessary fights.

Are things going well, right now? Great. Then don’t worry about what would happen if things went south. Having a doomsday mentality usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Be smart and try to keep a level head.

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8. The move-in is a band-aid

Sometimes, the reason the couple moved in together is because the relationship is failing. They hoped—in some twisted way—that furthering their commitments would force them to work things out. When this is the case, things very rarely work out.

Committing to an already failing relationship, further, will never fix that relationship. Living together, getting married, and having babies are all Band-Aids people try to slap on a relationship that’s already bleeding out. The pressure of the new commitment typically just heightens the problems that already existed, and ushers in the breakup.

All of these points highlight one thing: there’s never a reason to rush moving in together. You should be entirely comfortable with each other and yourself. You should be willing to admit when you’re wrong. You should be able to claim alone time. You can’t be overly sensitive. Your relationship needs to be on solid ground. Each of those things needs to be true, or else moving in can just be a couple’s demise.

Fights You’ll Have When He’s A Morning Person And You’re Not

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morning person and night person

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I’ve written before about how opposites attracting only works out under specific circumstances. I have this one major opposites-attracting thing going on in my life by which I always seem to be attracted to men who are morning people. I guess I should see it coming. I’m attracted to men who are ambitious and responsible. You know what ambitious, responsible people do? They wake up with the damn sun so they can work towards all of their goals. And while I do admire that, if you’re a night owl like myself, when you wind up living with a morning person, you’re going to bump heads. You may literally bump heads because you can’t turn on even one lamp to get into bed, since he’s already asleep, so you clumsily flop in and bump into him. Here are fights you’ll have if he’s a morning person and you so aren’t.

 

morning person and night person

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Juicing and bean grinding must be done at night

If that man likes to use a juicer to chop up fresh veggies and fruits, or he uses a bean grinder to make extra fresh espresso, he better pray for his life if he does that in the morning. Those appliances shake the entire house! You’ve instructed him to do this at night, before he goes to bed. He said it’s not as fresh that way, but then you made a face that was so terrifying, he conceded.





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